Blog

Archive for the ‘Stories of parents and carers’ Category

What MOSAC has meant to me

Posted on 9/09/2010 by admin

The abuser of my two children was an extremely charming, charismatic and highly intelligent man who, slowly over 12 years, made me feel as though I was mad. He used charm, manipulation and lies to destruct my relationship with my children, family and friends. By the time the abuse was disclosed, my children believed that I didn’t love them and they didn’t trust me at all. There was so much anger, upset and lies, that the house was a miserable place for us all. I was desperately trying to undo his hideous actions but didn’t know how and the children wouldn’t let me close to them.

I also had to cope with the counter allegations of the abuser. I was being investigated and I couldn’t believe all this was happening to us.

Friends and family all accused me of being negligent in some way of my children. Surely I should have known? There would have been signs? They have abandoned us gradually cutting off contact.

I was completely isolated, victimised and desperate. I contemplated suicide as I felt like a total failure as a mother. I thought I was having a nervous breakdown and I simply couldn’t cope. I had turned from a competent business woman and home maker into a gibbering wreck. I then found Mosac.

Mosac have offered me kind and understanding support from women who really understand the devastation and the terrible dynamics operating in cases of child sexual abuse: The destruction of trust, of loving relationships, of family and friend networks, the fear, despair and guilt. Mosac have made me feel that I am not alone, or mad and we can get through this as a family. I feel safe and understood at Mosac. I do not need to lie about how I feel and consequently I no longer suffer the same depression.

Mosac have also offered my youngest daughter Play therapy. She doesn’t like talking about the abuse and play is ideal for her to express herself. Mosac make this therapy child lead and my daughter is able to express herself to me in a place we BOTH feel safe and supported. We have therefore been able to open up to each other in a way we could not have done any where else. Our relationship is 100,000 times better and I feel as though she feels loved again. I know this process will be long and full of ups and downs but I also know that Mosac will be there with us for as long as it takes… not just a few months or limited number of sessions. That’s what’s really needed.

Thank you Mosac.

Rock the boat

Posted on 30/08/2010 by admin
 
I’ve always believed in happy endings. Drizzly childhood afternoons spent watching old romantic films. Enjoying the emotional journey as the characters stumbled, freewheeling, towards a moment of clarity. To an understanding. A mate for the soul. To a happy ending. 

Look at his mum and dad. Together for forty five years, devoted to each other, finishing each others sentences. How sweet. Suburbia. Coffee mornings. The Daily Mail. Non-smokers, non-drinkers. The house like a show-home. Something niggled me, but that’s just my dark brain. Ignore the uncomfortable feeling. Nothing I could put my finger on, just a feeling. What sort of daughter-in-law thinks like that? A warped and suspicious mind? Or instinct?

Occassionally. We only saw them occassionally. The blessing of a two hour drive. Be nice. Force yourself to relax and trust. Look how they dote on my babies. She loves them almost as much as I do. He. He doesn’t say much, just keeps her happy. Her dramas. Her demands. Her never-ending health scares. Our attention always firmly held on her as we wait for test results, referrals and relief. Her fussing over carpets laid with the wrong pile direction. Months of letter writing and phonecalls. An almost arrogant expectation for perfection. The curtain pleats. Perfect pleats equals perfect life. What would the neighbours say? How many neighbours have you had? Why so many?

She can’t deal with reality. She edits the highlights and buries the rest. Tutting at the scandals of others, when under her nose sons with drink problems and a daughter who moved away at twelve. Twelve. To live up north with her nan. Why? Why does a young girl want to leave her family and friends? Horses. She was horse mad and nan had horses. Simple as that. Did nobody wonder? Did nobody ask? Were they paralysed with politeness?

Spick and span. Routine. Joined at the hip. Not my idea of excitement but it was sweet to see a couple so devoted to each other.
(more…)

Shadowland

Posted on 10/08/2010 by admin
My four daughters have all grown up, three with children of their own. Their abusive father long gone. It was his shadow that remained. A shadow that was still able to divide and rule, still able to manipulate our lives, still able to cause such anguish and anger. Years before during sessions in Family Therapy his abuse had surfaced, finally smashing to smithereens my memories of their childhood. 

When he left there was some contact but he was busy with a whole new life so left us alone. Seven years later he wanted my daughters to stay. Only the two youngest would go. By then they were teenagers. One at college and one at school. Social Services said that they must be allowed to go. Why did I listen? Because I thought that they knew best.

All through that long weekend one daughter remained by my side. We were united in our torment. Only we didn’t talk about it. We held our breath, we filled our time and we waited.

The homecoming was muted. They were very quiet. No jokes. No laughter. No noise at all. I should have known. All I did was note it in my diary. Why didn’t I do anything else? Instead I allowed another visit.

And then the terrible truth surfaced. During that first visit, he had abused my youngest daughter. Her sister was a witness. He gave her money to keep her quiet.

It was a harrowing time. Two sisters confessing to sharing a similar life wrecking experience. One sister alienated by the ‘pay off.’ My eldest daughter very distant and living away. Trying to forget? I wanted to go to the police but my children didn’t want that. I couldn’t make them speak. They refused point blank to betray their father. Our family was truly decimated. His power was supreme.

(more…)

hide page